When the seagulls follow the trawler: Cantona at United

For all the stars who've graced the Manchester United shirt, Eric Cantona stands alone as the most iconic and charismatic.

Far from being United's Best, Cantona rather underperformed in the Champions League, hardly figured for his country and only really turned it on in the Premier League and FA Cup. But his impact domestically was total. Hughes was committed, Keane courageous, Giggs robotically consistent, Rooney talismanic, Ronaldo mercurial. But it's Eric The King who frames the era of Sir Alex Ferguson with his unique brand of swagger, raffishness et victoire.

We'll never see his like again, on or off the field, encapsulated in eleven seconds by that extraordinary news conference where he painted pretty pictures with his verbal easel.

"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea".

Ironic that sublime eloquence should be borne of extreme violence. Cantona's Kung Fu kick at Selhurst Park on racist fan, Matthew Simmons was truly shocking.

With aloof demeanour, arched back and turned up collars, Cantona steered United to the league the year Kevin Keegan's Newcastle should've won it - then to the double with a goal of spectacular technique against The Spice Boys of Liverpool, white suits and all.

Two goals spring to mind. The Newcastle-slaying volley at St. James' Park which handed United advantage in the title race and a fantastic chip against Sunderland, where Eric turned to acclaim the adulation from all four corners of Old Trafford by puffing out his shoulders like a tinpot dictator!

Cantona was so disillusioned by his nine-month world football fan that he had to be talked out of quitting for good by Fergie. The United boss roamed Parisian alleyways on the back of a moped searching for his errant genius. He found him, talked him down and Cantona returned to Old Trafford scoring against Liverpool.

But before United's greatest triumphs - the 1999 treble - Cantona had gone for good, and it was the right decision. In his autobiography, Managing My Life, Sir Alex describes "the thickening process" in Eric's body. The first signs of a middle-age spread. Cantona's motivation had gone. Beach Football and Movie Stardom beckoned. Cantona quit at the top, a permanent United legend.

He opposed the Malcolm Glazer takeover claiming he'd never return even as manager while the Glazers were in charge. But in July 2008 the Sunday Express reported Cantona's second thoughts. A close friend revealed: “Eric does fancy helping out with coaching at a club like Manchester United. He's been enjoying himself in films and being involved in beach soccer but has always wanted to help produce a team in his style and knows that Sir Alex would encourage him".

Despite his vow that he'd never return while the Glazers remained in control of United it appears his stance has mellowed.

United are too big a behemoth to take a chance on Cantona as United's next manager. But don't write off a return to Old Trafford for a man who has a relationship with his fans like few others.

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Gerrard needs to leave Liverpool for a fresh challenge

He's the chief talisman, the embodiment of modern Liverpool who more than anyone shoulders the burden of their failings.

But Steven Gerrard's loss of form and injury problems is an outward sign his career's hit the buffers. The one-man show, so often the Reds' Saviour needs to leave Anfield to kickstart his career. His club performances have lacked discipline this season and fit players don't get injured. His wild celebration when scoring from the spot at Spurs smashing the ball against the crossbar as it rebounded out the net, to scything down Reo-Coker to concede a penalty against Villa stand testimony to a man in turmoil.

Both of those games ended in defeat too.

The two reasons he's stayed at Liverpool this long look more and more flimsy: ending the nineteen-year title drought and Scouse loyalty.

Last season, Liverpool took the fight to Manchester United so far that their record would've been good enough to win the league most other seasons.

Now Rafa's Premier League project looks shot to pieces.

Defeat after defeat after defeat, twice at home in the Champions League and five in all in the Premier League. It's their worst run since 1987, a rare season when the all-conquering 80's team ended trophyless as rivals Everton won the league and Coventry won the Cup.

And you wonder how much he'd benefit from leaving Merseyside to start a new life away from the area.

Motor accidents, house burglaries and the unfortunate incident in Southport which saw him acquitted in Court of punching a DJ, Gerrard's the right age to let his football do the talking - elsewhere.
And there's one club and one manager that would suit him down to the ground. But it's unthinkable. If he could swallow his Scouse pride, if he could live behind 24-hour security in Alderley Edge, then Gerrard's football would be well served playing for Manchester United and Sir Alex Ferguson.

I know, I know. It'll NEVER happen - but seriously, where else would Gerrard's career be best-served? he's not a Southerner; Chelsea and Arsenal are just wrong for him. Barcelona and Real Madrid? Not sure. It might be as anti-climactic as Michael Owen's Spanish Adventure.

Gerrard's problem is that he's tied his colours so tightly to the Shankly Gates that he's going to have to play himself - and Liverpool back into contention.

But you wonder even for giant like him, it's a step to far. Gerrard needs to leave Liverpool after the World Cup in South Africa.

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Nil-Nil, Jeff! A guide to the mystery world of live TV football without pictures!

I've reported football for radio and TV for twenty years and it's a journalistic skill you hone. I always keep learning, painting pictures with economy of expression for my remote listener. To do it well takes commitment.

So why does telly use inarticulate ex-players on Saturdays? No one invited me to play midfield for Arsenal or manage Walsall, so why is Paul Merson any better equipped to do my job? If you've watched these shows, you'll know the answer.

Players use that strange present tense that can't be used in any other context. It's employed as a narrative to describe what's just been witnessed. Gordon Brown emphatically refuses to use narrative to describe the latest economic disaster; maybe Phil Thompson should follow his example! So Saturday comes around and Jeff shreeeeks something formulaic like:

"You've just heard Merse moooan watching West Ham against Villa... last time we checked in, West Ham missed a spot-kick but have Villa made them ruuue that (growls here) early chance, Paul?"

"They haven't yet, Jeff.", anti-climaxes Merse. "Ashley Young gets it halfway, skins Matty Upson, it falls for Umbongalore who has a crack, Jeff, but Rob Green does well... turns it away for a corner; nil-nil, Jeff".

Of course, ex-player "media careers", as they call them are pigeon-holed into a narrow range of tasks. There's not one ex-pro that could hold that live show together like the exceptionally live Jeff Stelling does. Believe me, I did the same show: ITV's Football First. Four hours of non-stop updates, my brain agog with how many since Agogo scored and when Huddersfield last won at home.

And by the way, there's no recorded sighting of a commentator who used to be a player either. You get a guest summariser, that's only so Alan Parry can have a glass of water!

I guess I resent the knock on the studio door by ex-players saying "I'm 36, I'll have some of that", without taking it seriously and doing the yards, the homework, learning the broadcast skills-set.

"We played the game, we know what we're talking about!", an Andy Gray-style rambling which divides the world up into two categories: "football people" and the rest of humanity.

It's a disdain for his fanbase as though we're watching him to be put right because we couldn't possibly understand having not been a pro. Almost geraldratneresque, Andy.

My message to ex-players. You're Not Soccermongers! I bet you couldn't organise a Soccermongery in a brewery.

Let me tell you, Andy Gray: I've watched football, reported football and played football (with enthusiasm if not technical brilliance) long enough (by the way, I'm actually descended from "football people" too. Are you? Is it hereditary?) and therefore, your qualifications over mine must be tenuous at best.

Having said all of that, there are honourable examples of players who did make the transition:

I always admired Bob Wilson's attempt at on-air orthodoxy. He was functional on 1980 Football Focus, but he did resemble a broadcaster and he deserved his job.

Jimmy Hill too, an intelligent man who genuinely leveraged his "football people" knowledge into opinion and comment when MOTD was a single shot in front of tan wallpaper. But he never let it spill over into the shows raison d'etre.

It took Gary Lineker ages before they turned him into on-air quality; even now he's a one-trick pony. You know that iron statue of Saddam with the outstretched arm they tore down when he was overthrown? well, that's Gary on-air! He's not asked to do complicated - but he's fine.

Nope, they're not listening to me. Andy Townsend's fronting ITV, Mark Bright frankspencer's his way across droney local telly and Garth Crooks frowns through The Red Button like he's talking Iraq - not Stoke.

The trend's here to stay.

So I'm cleaning my boots and I'm going to get myself a professional game. Oh, I'll do the work alright. I'll go to the gym, shoot with my left foot for hours, give and go - and try to perfect the glancing header.

I'll find a game at my level too.

Now, who are Birmingham City playing Wednesday night?

Also on Soccermongery: Carragher's "bottler" talkSPORT moment (podcast) and Massive debts run by the big 4 will see Change We Can Believe In! plus WIN TICKETS TO SEE ENGLAND AT WEMBLEY!

Sven says no to North Korea!

In a first notable act of ethical foreign policy, Sven-Goran Eriksson's rejected the chance to manage North Korea. A wise decision especially as his Korea is in fact going south (boom boom!)

But it's not to appease the Neocons and Hawks up Washington. Sven's decision to reject the Axis of Evil has more to do with his almost OCD approach to job offers. Soccermongery can exclusively reveal he's going through the alphabet accepting them!

Since leaving the FA, Sven's taken on Manchester City, Mexico, Notts County and er... North Korea? (no, it's on the previous page, Sven - but an easy mistake to make!).

You can therefore fully expect approaches to Nuneaton Town, Oxhey Jets, then Paraguay. STOP PRESS: Sweden have come calling!

Let's face it, Sven's snaffling up contracts coining it in off the back of being world famous in football. Remember the job he nearly accepted after the World Cup, Jamaica? no he left of his own accord!

Sven's got his eye on the money and doesn't give a hoot about where the job is - so long as the chances are he'll get paid!

And the more these old boys throw the dice in the autumn of their careers, the bigger the chance they'll get of grabbing a serious job sooner or later.

Don't believe me? journeyman Luiz Felipe Scolari got Chelsea after errant assignments at whothefcukin'ellaretheyclubs like Al Qadisiya, Criciúma, Grêmio and Júbilo Iwata. It seemed his only qualification was being in charge of teams who knocked England out of major tournaments every other year.

And he got found out!

Sven's a mere twelve months away from a possible return to Manchester City, the hotseat at Portsmouth or maybe Jose's replacement at Inter. North Korea's not good enough? Don't worry Svennis, like the buses another myopic club or country will be a long in fifteen minutes! STOP PRESS: Sweden haven't disappointed us. They've come calling for the old boy. Told you!

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